Three-day weekend or no three-day weekend, our Quotes of the Week column will make an appearance on your screens. (The fact that it is a three-day weekend is just the cherry on top.)
In the list below — which features our picks for TV’s most memorable sound bites of the past seven days — you’ll find more than 15 series represented, including bon mots and zingers from Criminal Minds: Evolution, Family Guy, Sirens, FBI, Nine Perfect Strangers, Law & Order: Organized Crime and more.
Also featured in this week’s roundup: double doses of no fewer than six shows, including Overcompensating, The Handmaid’s Tale, Last Week Tonight With John Oliver, Survivor, The Studio and the (admittedly disappointing) series finale of FBI: International.
Scroll through the list below to see all of our picks for the week, then hit the comments and tell us if we missed any of your faves! (With contributions from Nick Caruso, Claire Franken, Matt Webb Mitovich, Kimberly Roots, Ryan Schwartz and Andy Swift)
CRIMINAL MINDS: EVOLUTION
Photo : Paramount+ screenshot (2)
“Grief is like a bespoke suit.”
“That’s true.”
“Yeah, everybody wears it differently.”
“That’s what Tyler said just now, but he was poetic.”
Tyler (Ryan-James Hatanaka), Luke (Adam Rodriguez) and Penelope (Kirsten Vangsness) discuss JJ’s loss
OVERCOMPENSATING (Episode 5)
Photo : Prime Video screenshot
“I’m Great Gatsby. Have you read it? For me personally, it’s gotta be, like, top book.”
“Um, yeah. It’s like saying your favorite band is The Beatles.”
“They are!”
Peter (Adam DiMarco) is the kind of man who could really haunt a girl’s dreams
OVERCOMPENSATING (Episode 7)
Photo : Prime Video screenshot
“Kids, we got a divorce before we came back together and had you two.”
“Anything else you want to discuss tonight, Kathryn?”
“Yes. You would stop getting vertigo if you hadn’t spent my money on a TV that distorts every episode of Criminal Minds!”
We hear you, Kathryn (Connie Britton), but in John’s (Kyle MacLachlan) defense, those episodes are hard to see anyway!
RUPAUL’S DRAG RACE ALL STARS
Photo : Paramount+ screenshot
“My pronouns are ‘icon’ and ‘legend.'”
Oh, how we’ve missed Nicole Paige Brooks
FAMILY GUY
Photo : Fox screenshot
“Maybe next year we’ll go to The White Lotus in Thailand.”
“Eh, I hear it’s not as good.”
Brian (voiced by Seth MacFarlane) has zero interest in visiting The White Lotus’ southeast Asia location (shots fired!)
THE HANDMAID’S TALE
Photo : Hulu screenshot
“Dear Lord, forgive me. And please forgive them, my precious girls. Have mercy for what they’ve done, for they have been prisoners of wicked, godless men!”
Aunt Lydia (Ann Dowd) uses what she thinks will be her final words to condemn Gilead’s commanders. Better late than never, eh?
THE HANDMAID’S TALE (Bonus Quote!)
Photo : Courtesy of Hulu
“I heard you had quite a day.”
“Sore throat. I’ll survive.”
Commander Lawrence (Bradley Whitford) and June (Elisabeth Moss) engage in a little literal gallows humor
LAW & ORDER: ORGANIZED CRIME
Photo : Peacock screenshot
“So what you’re saying is, this is organized crime, and you’d like our help on the task force.”
“I did not say any of those things.”
“We accept.”
Det. Stabler (Chris Meloni) won’t let what Det. Tanner (Olivia Thirlby) actually said get in the way of what he wants to make happen
NINE PERFECT STRANGERS (Episode 1)
Photo : Hulu screenshot
“I’m Peter, by the way. Peter Sharpe.”
“Imogen O’Claire. Sounds like a made-up name, but it’s not.”
Imogen (Annie Murphy) is well aware of how her first and last names pair together
FBI: INTERNATIONAL
Photo : CBS screenshot
“You’re gonna sit on your hands? We need to move on this guy. We need search warrants, we need a surveillance team—”
“Japan is an island — Google it. He’s not going anywhere.”
Superintendent Kubo (Shintaro Kanaoya) gives Wes (Jesse Lee Soffer) a crash lesson in geography
FBI: INTERNATIONAL (Bonus Quote!)
Photo : CBS screenshot
“What did he call me?”
“A soft-shell tortoise. It means once you latch on, you don’t let go.”
“That sounds awesome.”
Reiko (Yoriko Haraguchi) translates for Wes (Jesse Lee Soffer) her boss’ Japanese insult
DAYS OF OUR LIVES
Photo : Peacock screenshot
“Remember, this is a newsroom. Tea spillage is not so much a brunchtime bonding activity as much as it is a job requirement.”
We could get on our high horse about journalistic integrity here, but it’s easier to just admit that Leo (Greg Rikaart) is completely right
SIRENS (Episode 2)
Photo : Netflix screenshot
“I am the f—ked-up one. OK?”
“I think we’re both kinda f—ked-up.”
“No, it’s me! It really is me. I am super f—ked-up.”
“Oh, yeah? Well, quadruple your f—ked-up and then climb to the top of F—ked-Up Mountain, and that’s how f—ked-up I am!”
Devon (Meghann Fahy) and Simone (Milly Alcock) take sibling rivalry to new heights
LAST WEEK TONIGHT WITH JOHN OLIVER
Photo : HBO screenshot
“As of this taping, they still haven’t renewed Doctor Odyssey for Season 2. What the f—k are you doing, ABC? It’s sexy ER on a boat! It’s The Pitt with sharks! It’s got — and I’m not even going to try and beat their tagline on this — ‘big deck energy.’ How is ABC renewing shows called The Rookie and Will Trent — whose premise is apparently just, ‘despite being dyslexic, he’s become a Special Agent in the Georgia Bureau of Investigation’ — but they haven’t renewed the only show brave enough to answer the question, ‘What if sick, but boat?’ I shouldn’t complain about the other shows. I shouldn’t care that a show called and about a rookie is returning for its premise-defying eighth season, and I don’t begrudge any audience members for sticking around to find out if their favorite characters will or won’t Trent. All I’m saying is, ABC’s The View has been on since 1997, and Doctor Hot Boat is still in limbo. You’re a disgrace, ABC! Your network is a disaster!”
LAST WEEK TONIGHT WITH JOHN OLIVER (Bonus Quote!)
Photo : HBO screenshot
“Earlier this week, my parent company apparently said they cannot wait for my ‘hot take’ on this whole rebrand, believing that whatever I say about this change was going to be ‘pretty hot,’ so please look me in the eyes when I say this: F—k you! Don’t tell me what to do! I’m not going to do it because you want it — unless, hold on! Maybe you thought baiting me like that would be a good way to stop me from doing it. But on the other hand, how could a company be that smart when they’re the same people that came up with so many stupid f—king names?!”
FBI
Photo : CBS screenshot (2)
“We all know the plan: Split up, force them to fight where we control the terrain.”
“Yeah, I just want to say that splitting up sounds a lot less safe than not splitting up.”
Moran (Taylor Anthony Miller) gets an unexpected taste of life out in the field
THE STUDIO
Photo : Apple TV+ screenshot (inset: Lionsgate)
“Now, listen, I’ve gotta hit the tables and win tons of f—king money because I can count cards and s—t from those magic movies I was in, so enjoy the f—king episode. Vegas, baby!”
An inebriated Dave Franco brings this week’s “Previously on…” segment to a hilariously meta close
THE STUDIO (Bonus Quote!)
Photo : Apple TV+ screenshot
“You just got to go out there and read the teleprompter for, like, 20 seconds and then we’re home free, OK?”
“No, we don’t have to do that anymore because it doesn’t matter.”
“It does very much matter!”
“No, it doesn’t matter. We’re skin sausages. No, it’s OK, it’s OK… we’re skin sausages!”
Zoë Kravitz is off her rocker after accidentally overdoing it on Matt’s (Seth Rogen) “old school Hollywood buffet” (aka, drugs — lots and lots of drugs)
HACKS
Photo : Max screenshot
“So yes, this is goodbye. I loved going to bed with you every night. Sorry I’m finishing too quickly! This was my dream, and I’m so happy I got it. But the dream changed… and so did I.”
Deborah (Jean Smart) quits her late-night show after refusing to fire head writer Ava
SURVIVOR
Photo : CBS screenshot (2)
“I had come into this game wanting to play a super physical game and I had these high hopes. We watched Maria, who is an old woman, almost break the female record…”
“Hey, hey, hey, hey!”
Chrissy Sarnowsky defends Season 46 queen Maria Shrime Gonzalez after finalist Eva Erickson absentmindedly takes a dig at her age
SURVIVOR (Bonus Quote!)
Photo : CBS screenshot
“Hello beautiful, trifling-ass bitches!”
Star Toomey makes everyone at Tribal Council laugh by beginning her jury question as only Star Toomey can
THE LAST OF US
Photo : HBO screenshot
“If somehow, I had a second chance at that moment? I would do it all over again.”
“Because you’re selfish.”
“Because I love you.”
Joel (Pedro Pascal) breaks down as he finally explains to Ellie (Bella Ramsey) why he killed the Fireflies in Salt Lake City
